I feel as though there are many different ways in which one could talk about what it means to live life in a “heart space”.
Today I want to talk about a specific way that I have been living in my heart space, as I have been moving into the awareness of my own body and spirit.
As you may have read in our last blog post, my family recently lost our amazing Nana. This time has brought about many different transitions for my family as we are grieving and learning how to adjust to our lives without her physically being here with us. Speaking personally this time has also opened up my heart more than I could have imagined. My heart has deepened for my own being, appreciating all that I have within this moment in time. My heart has deepened for every single member in my family, and my heart has deepened for the world around me.
However, I want to share with you guys a personal story of mine that reaches into the profound love that has grown within my heart for the souls that are around me.
Growing up my family was everything to me, it was the way I identified who I was and who I was becoming. We all had such a profound impact on one another as we all grew up right down the street from one another. My cousins and I, all relatively within the same age group, grew up seeing each other pretty much every day. My entire family spent every birthday, holiday, and many sunday night dinners with one another every year. During these years of my life, I learned the importance of family. I learned the significance and impact that a bonded family had on all of those who were a part of it. It was difficult for me to imagine my life any other way.
About seven years ago my family went through a challenging hardship that affected all of us in different ways, so I will be talking from my own experience. During this time my aunt and uncle were going through a divorce that I did not understand at all. All of the days that I spent feeling like I couldn’t imagine my family any other way was now happening, and the last thing that I wanted to do was accept it. I personally felt like my world was once again being flipped upside down and I wanted no part in going through the process. Eventually, my aunt remarried to a man that I now see, loves her unconditionally. However this was not something that I acknowledged until the events following my nana’s passing. For the past four years, I allowed my anger, and my pain to prevent me from seeing who he really was. For many years, I chose to see him as the man that took my Uncle’s spot.
How interesting is it, where we chose to place the blame when we are in the midst of pain. For many years I felt like I was living in so much confusion. How could my family fall apart in the ways that it seemed like it was? As children we often find so much comfort in the structure that we grow up in, especially if it brings our heart so much joy, we never want it to change.
In some ways I feel as though this is a transition that is hard for me to explain because I can’t really pinpoint the exact moment that it happened. In fact, I think it was many different moments in a short period of time that the anger began to shift into love.
However, I do know that in the moment that I witnessed my nana take her last breath, my heart experienced a new level of pain, love, and vulnerability that I had never felt before. From this moment forward, it felt like my heart was beginning to feel many different emotions that I had stopped my heart and body from feeling for many years.
In the following days, I started to truly see how much love this man carried inside of him. The way that he showed up for my aunt and the rest of the family made an impact. For the first time I was allowing myself to feel the energy that he gives off without trying to convince myself that it was something coming from negative intention. He was kind, patient, gentle, and he spoke many words of affirmation that brought comfort and calm into the home. He frolicked with a subtle humor that allowed our hearts to smile and laugh during a time that we were feeling immense pain. I began to see his own family in a different light as well. Feeling the love from both of his children, grandchildren, and son in law was everything our family could have asked for and more.
I share this with all of you because it explores into the depths that we call “life”. It reaches into a reality that many of us experience, as our families and most intimate worlds change over time. Sometimes, it is unexpected. Sometimes, it is completely unwanted. However, as I have learned, integration can be a beautiful process if we let go of our ego and allow our hearts to explore our surroundings and connect with the very souls that are right in front of us. I have also learned that change is inevitable, and allowing the process of the shift to occur in your internal and external world is completely okay and extremely healthy.
Today, and every other day, we can make the conscious choice to open our hearts and love from all of the depths that are within.